I WAS interested to read (Observer, June 12) about the banning of the use of swords by the Merrydowners Morris Dancers in the interests of safety.

However, this is only the first step (pardon the pun). I have it on good authority that further laws are in the pipeline,thus: 1. sticks - these are used in certain dances and will, in the future, have to be padded lest they cause injury to other dancers and/or spectators; 2. bells - these are to have clappers removed as the noise they emit may seriously interfere with conversations being made by spectators using mobile phones; 3. ribbons - these must firmly affixed (full length) to hats as violent flapping in strong winds may cause serious facial injuries.

These laws would have already been implemented but for the fact the top secret papers were left on a train on the Island of Sodor by a high-ranking government official.

They were found and handed to Sir Topham Hatt - the Fat Controller - who passed them on to the appropriate government department. This department is Whitehall Authority for Licensing Lively Indigenous Entertainers. The civil servants employed in this department are known affectionately as WALLIES.


Raleigh Close Pinner