These are difficult times we are living in. Even the pigeons are having to scap hard for crumbs of comfort.
A Lot of people have lost their jobs. Yet people are being bullied by banks and by the big greedy, soulless multinationals that plaugue our high streets.
You may remember that I have been asking for suggestions for something to spark a revolution. Well this could be just the thing. Down with these horrible conglomerations!
Let's start our own currency in Ealing. Yes, why not start paying for everything with bananas. Power to the people! The revolution could start right here in the seething radical hotbed that is Ealing.Are you with me...?
Hmm, just listen to that deafening silence. But hang on, I'm not joking here.Are you sick of being overcharged and and talked down to as you enter a labyrinth of frustration every time you want to speak to one of these faceless monsters about their own incompetence?
Do you have to deal with arrogance and stupidity as you are passed from pillar to post? Excellent, you've passed the loyalty test, you're a valued customer and your call is truly important to us.
So, tell me this, why do these mutinational monsters run by bossess on huge salaries and bonuses think they can get away with treating us, the infinitely repectworthy people of Ealing, with utter contempt? Sack all the big knobs . See how they like living on the dole and receiving threatening letters
Are you angry with the way West Ealing is heading? Is Greenford losing it's glamour?
Join the anti pigeon League now. For just £299.99 a month you can have all the trill you need, just call this number and hang on until you spontaneously combust with frutstraion. hahaha!
Now, a little true story for you: A close friend of mine was made redundant a few months ago. He banks with the big horrible bank that I won't mention except to say it has a big X in it's name and has an irritaing little man in spectacles darting around and singing in its TV ads.
Well my friend has banked with the big X all his working life. But despite informing them of the fact that he had lost his job and was struggling to find money for a high rent in a big house in Northfields owned by a greedy landlord with a huge belly that he can only just about squeeze through the front door as he slides in holding on tight to his huge wodge of cash, they showered him with a relentless stream of ridiculous bank charges.
H built up, what to him was a large overdraft, which made the anxiety and depression he was suffering after losing his job ten times worse. He wrote to the bank fully explaining his financial and emotional situation and asking that all bank charges be wiped off his account immediately. Cue a long, cold, boring, waffling letter in reply saying that they would write off some, though not all of, the charges.
That was welcome in as far as it went and gave him a bit of breathing space, or so he thought, because in the meantime the big, greedy, slippery mobile phone company, which I won't identify except to say it has a huge pink T in its name, had cut his phone off and sent him a nasty letter saying that someone would be calling at his house about the debt.
Furious, he rang them, from a friend's phone, and explained his desperate situation and managed, finally, to speak to possibly the only reasonable person in the entire company who got his phone put back on. But that little outbreak of humanity was soon snuffed out. A couple of weeks later, he received a letter warning that bailiffs would be calling at his house to seize his goods. Unbelievable.
There's more. A week after the apparent stay of execution from the bank, he got another letter: a default notice demanding immediate payment of a large sum, which included a huge amount of bank charges, and threatening to take him to court if it was not paid by a certain date.
He has complained to the bank and demanded the sacking of the person responsble for sending the letter, and is making a complaint to the Bank Financial Services Authority, which has just been given powers of enforcement to punish banks for disgracful treatment of their customers.
Off with their heads - lets start a banana republic now!
If you have one of thses vultures on yuor back go down to your local branch with a big bucket of bananas to pay off the debt, and tell them that's the new curency in the Borough of Ealing. Tell them I said it's ok.
I want to hear your stories. Write to me at Draytonlive@yahoo.co.uk
Phil Zimmerman in resident comic Downstairs at the Drayton, every Friday. Tonight's show stars the fast-rising comedy whirlwhind that is Andrew Lawrence, plus support. Tickets: 43 bananas on the door. Info 07853 66 4877. website: www.philzimmerman.co.uk