SCOTT BALCONY is co-owner of Balcony Shirts in Windsor Street, Uxbridge and online at He tweets as @balconyshirts and writes this exclusive new blog for



Uxbridge High Street – it’s got it all. It’s got bins, it’s got benches, it’s got huge concrete balls arranged in a big circle, that are lit up at night like some kind of provincial Stonehenge. 

One thing that Uxbridge High Street has also got, in spades, is pigeons. Thousands of ‘em.

I’ve always wondered what attracts them here. Why would you want to hobble about Uxbridge on your one diseased leg when there is a whole world to explore? 

Is it the kebabs? The half-eaten sausage rolls? Or do they secretly LOVE being kicked up and down the road by tiny children, wired out of their tiny minds on Haribo?

Well, at 7am yesterday it all became perfectly clear what attracts them; an old woman, armed with a bag of birdseed the size of a small house. That’s what.

She was scooping up armfuls of the stuff and scattering it across the cold, grey slabs.

Pigeons from all the local areas were there, rock doves from West Drayton, woodpigeons from Hayes, collared doves from Cowley and even those weird ones with the manky feet – probably from Harefield.

I’ve taken the liberty of using a free online tool to create a photofit of the culprit. Please do not approach her, she has an entire army at her disposal, and they’ll peck your eyeballs out.

I’m not persecuting the humble pigeon here, but pigeons should feel no more at home in the middle of a busy suburban shopping centre than Ronald McDonald should on the plains of Africa.

End this madness now, and stop feeding the the bleedin’ pigeons.

Check back regularly for more random thoughts from Scott. Pigeon woman image is a product of his own fevered imagination and bears no resemblance to any human living or dead.