So far so good. The editor has not spotted we are monitoring the policing of poor Tom Shaw.

What's more, a news editor who must remain nameless has passed us The Ed's latest emails to the other office managers:

10.30am To all section heads, copied in: Helen at reception

'Right, which one of you lot started the rumour that Tom Shaw is spreading "fatal salmonella" round the office? I pop out to The Pound Shop for 10 minutes to buy some more canes for Clive and come back to find Helen at reception wearing a surgical mask and the last of those protective gloves from the first aid box.

You all know how highly I rate customer service and this gives the wrong impression to people who want to buy a Hounslow Chronicle.

Tom Shaw's problem is blight, NOT salmonella like the killer toms in the US. As Helen rightly points out, she has her children to consider and was told this appalling rumour "in good faith"  by an idiot she provided with a copy of the 'Dignity At Work' policy. I'm not going to press Helen as to that person's identity now that she has removed the mask and ordered some new gloves, but expect you all to follow correct procedures in future.'

11am To all section heads, copied in: Helen at reception, Tom Shaw

'Further to my previous memo can I make clear that it was Tom Shaw's tomato plants that had blight, which is caused by a fungus in warm, wet conditions, and not Tom himself.

As such there is no reason to soak any coffee cups he has used in bleach, or ask him to sit in the sports department on health & safety grounds. Clive hasn't got salmonella either, nor has Helen or the sandwich delivery man, so can we please pack this nonsense in and get on with making the papers? And Tom, are you happy with that?'