This time 100 years ago London was hosting the Olympic Games and if you read the medal count it will tell a very different story to the one we experience in Beijing in a few weeks time.

Britain was top of the medal chart with 146 medals, over treble the amount earned by the next best country (the USA with 47). If you look at the list of events it's easy to see why: all of the events are ones we are good at. Sailing, polo and tug of war... yes, tug of war. In fact we claimed the gold, silver and bronze in this event with the  City of London Police, Liverpool Police and Met Police K Division teams taking the honours.

What happened? A lack of investment? The couch potato generation has certainly taken hold and come 2012 we'll have done very well if we get a quarter of our medal haul (we earned 30 in Athens 2004).

Should we invest more in sport? Possibly, but we'd be far better bringing in some events we'll actually win at. After studying London's strengths here's what I came up with to increase our medal haul:

1. TUBE JUMP: See how far you can jump into a packed train. The carriage may look full, but to your highly skilled London Olympian there is always room to squeeze in, especially with the added 'edge' of when the doors are about to close. Distances will be measured in number of people you can get to move out of the way to let you on, even if you have to brutally barge through them.

2. TOURIST SLALOM: How fast can you weave your way down Regent Street? People from other countries on holiday are very bad at this game, we are amazing - gold all the way.

3. FREE NEWSPAPER DISTRIBUTION: With the speed and efficiency the rush hour vendors slam them in the direction of unsuspecting commuters we're surely on to a winner here.

4. PIGEON PUTT: How far can you make a pigeon fly to retrieve a small piece of chicken McNugget? From what I've seen, we're highly skilled at this  - though I'm puzzled why people always seem to putt the pigeons in my direction.

5. YANK DIS-ORIENTEERING: I've seen loads of people training for this one. Stand at Leicester Square and see how far you can make American tourists walk to get to Covent Garden, there's a number of weird and wonderful routes, and we know them all.

6. THE GIRO SPRINT: Have you been to a post office at 9.30am lately? Have you seen the size of the queues? The people who think the unemployed stay in all day watching Jeremy Kyle and Bargain Hunt obviously haven't. As soon as the Giro is available for cashing - wham! They are at the Post Office. Why not turn this swift action into something useful?

7. DEPARTMENT STORE WRESTLING (ladies only): Last year I had the misfortune of witnessing this debacle first hand as I cut through town on the first day of the new year sales. If there's one discounted designer top, I have every faith our girls will take on all-comers to find it.

8. BENDY BUS SURFING: Using only bendy buses, see how far you can get across London without one breaking down or having to pay for a ticket. Should be a doddle if you keep an eye out for the driver getting restless, if he starts looking in his coat, you'd better get off as he's terminating soon.

9. BARGAIN HUNT: Not the antiques show hosted by the eccentric or orange, but the search for the cheapest litre of diesel - we know there's somewhere still charging under £1.10 and we'll drive around for miles until we find it.

10. THE RIP OFF MARATHON: How much you can spend in a single day on over-priced food, drinks, travel and activities aimed at tourists? No other country can compare to our experience in this field, we'll clear up.

Perhaps I'll forward these on to the International Olympic Committee for consideration, if you've got anything you think needs adding post it on our forums and I'll see if I can get Seb to put it on the roster.