Apparently you need to be a child, child-like, or regularly accompanying one, to be considered a viable customer at the Odeon cinema in Uxbridge.

The recent publicity about the film Mr Turner has been so good – five stars in every review I’ve read – that Mr F and I were really looking forward to toddling up the road to our local cinema to see it.

So, I was more than a little miffed when, while shopping in intu (The Chimes), I popped in to the cinema to check out film times – only to find that Mr T won’t be showing there at all.

A Pleasant Member of Staff (PMOS), explained that the Uxbridge branch of the cinema chain concentrates on family programmes and doesn’t show films like that (like what? Good films, you mean?). Or extreme horror?

Also it was half-term holiday. (Meaning what? Adults should stay indoors?) Sensing my growing unhappiness, she dangerously added that we could view Mr Turner at Richmond.

As we only have one cinema in Hillingdon borough, it seems, dear reader, that we have been consigned to a cultural desert.

Worse, those of us who live within spitting distance of the town (unfortunately literally for some), are not being allowed to see the most lauded grown-up film for ages at our local picture house.

What does it say about Uxbridge – that we should be kept culture-free and permanently in La La Land? How patronising.

Yes, I know the Odeon streams highbrow stuff from the NT occasionally, and they have special senior screen sessions for oldies – which are all past their sell-by date. The films that is.

But why settle for morsels? We should be able to see current, highly acclaimed films when they come out. Like grown-ups who live in other parts of London.

A scene from Gone Girl, released by 20th Century Fox
 

I reminded the PMOS that Gone Girl had just been on and that is an 18 cert with adult themes, and a bit gory at one point.

“Oh yes”, she said, missing the point completely, “that’s been a very popular film”.

So, let me get this right then. It’s only films for the masses we are allowed. Give me strength.

But never mind, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is currently showing at The Odeon, Uxbridge. Or how about Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

I know how he feels …

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