I'VE BEEN trying to start a revolution. (If you have any good ideas for one and you'd like to join forces with me, please get in touch.) I thought that Ealing might just be the perfect place to get it going. But starting revolutions is not quite a easy as it sounds.
First of all you have to find a suitable target of outrage to mobilize the anger of the people against. Then you need to stand on platforms and do quite a bit of shouting and gesticulating. It's pretty tiring.
A couple of weeks ago the frenzy over the Mp's expenses scandal was at its height. Everytime I went out into the streets of Ealing I could sense that they were seething with indignation, about to erupt.
Anyway, I thought the best way to get the whole thing going would be while on stage hosting my comedy night Downstairs at the Drayton in downtown West Ealing.
So come Friday night up I went onto the stage and launched straight into the subject of the moment. Right, Who is angry? Who thinks all the cheats should be sacked? Who knows who their Mp is? Uh, No one, actually, what's an MP?
Not to be discouraged, I tried a different tack. "Let's sack all the cheats, take away their homes and make them all live in a big cardboard box."
Silence. "Ok, if that sounds a bit harsh, we won't take away all their privileges. The cardboard box will have a moat, and a tennis court, and let's throw in a Corby 500 electric trouser press as well."
Not a titter. Ok, time for a confession then. "I am on the fiddle. Been playing it for years. Terrible scraping noise. Like fingers down a blackboard. Also similar to the sound of a District line train grinding to a halt just before Acton Town.
"There's more. I am also claiming, at the taxpayers's expense, for a second home in the Avenue, just a few doors up from the Drayton, despite the fact that my first home is just round the corner near Waitrose.
"This is a neccesary and reasonable expense because after doing comedy I can hardly be expected to walk all the way home. ( a journey of some 3 minutes 27 seconds) so on Friday nights I stay in my palatial second home.
"Despite this I still get home quite exhausted and have to lie down immediately and watch my £41,000 widescreen TV. Then I fall asleep in my £3million four-poster bed with the Polish au pair.
This has all been ok'd by the fees office at Westminster. I told them I was an MP and anti-pigeon activist who does comedy part time. No questions were asked. It's a good job they have't seen my act...
Phil Zimmerman is resident comic every Friday Downstairs at the Drayton. Tomorrow the controversial and award-winning Brendon Burns, Nick Wilty and Danny Ward. Tickets £12.00 on the door.Doors 8pm, show 8.45pm.
Free entry plus free kit kat for all MP's not on the fiddle, Info 07853 664 877. Website philzimmerman.co.uk