A HAMMERSMITH man has become the youngest national coach in the world after agreeing to take on the worst footballing nation ever.

Pohnpei, a tiny speck in the Pacific, have never won a game of any sorts in its four-century history.

In fact, the last time they played a representative fixture they got drubbed 16-0 by those giants of international football, Guam - and that was eight years ago - just before their US coach hightailed it with the rest of the budget.

But the job no one else wants, which doesn't even command a wage, has been taken on with relish by 25-year-old Paul Watson and assistant Matt Conrad from Kensington.

Watson is the younger brother of comedian Mark Watson - the bloke who does the Magners Pear Cider ads.And like his bro's character, Paul is also expecting zero per cent disappointment because anything that vaguely smacks of a result - even a draw against a neighbouring Micronesian island - will elevate the pair to national heroes.

But if a statue is erected in their honour, it's likely to rust a month later in the place that's the second-wettest on earth.

The equivalent of 30 feet of rain hammers the island complex every year, and the plan to get Pohnpei a result, and maybe fingers-crossed, the nirvana of FIFA status, will start inside on one of the island's basketball courts.

"Don't ask me why, but no one had thought of training inside before. And when it rains, the national stadium just turns into a lake," said Watson.

The stadium that's quaintly called Picsfield had been largely left to rot since it was built for the Micronesian Games in 2001. They even had to build new goalposts when Watson and Conrad did a recce on Pohnpei a few months back.

But, undaunted, the likely lads reckon they'll still achieve some-thing once they wean the squad away from the nation's favourite grub - spam.

"It's fair to say there are some fuller figures among the players," admitted Watson. "They even have spam aisles in the supermarkets. I didn't know there were that many choices. The people are heavily influenced by all things American - and this is just another example."

And not even brother Mark has the cruelty to send up the intrepid duo's mission.

Paul said: "Anybody who would take on the job has to be barking mad - it's beyond mockery.

"But Matt and I are football nuts and I used to play for East Fulham. But when I looked up the worst team in the world, and the head of their organisation just happened to be visiting London a month later - things snowballed from there."

For the time being the national training kit is likely to be a kaleidoscope of Spurs, Yeovil and Norwich shirts - the only clubs that responded to Watson's plea when he wrote to all 92.

"But if there's anyone out there who can also help with kit - who knows?" he said. "They might be assisting in a World Cup campaign for 2016." [25cf] Got any kit you don't need? Email Watson at paolowatson@ hotmail.com.

POHNPEI FACTS

Pohnpei is about half way between Hawaii and the Philippines and is one of four states in the Federated States of Micronesia (FSM) formed in 1986.

It has a population of 34,000 within its 80-mile circumference, the majority of whom consider themselves ethnic Pohnpeian.

But after more than a century of foreign occupation, Pohnpei is truly the FSM's melting pot, a veritable hodge-podge mix of Austral-Asian Pacific Islanders, Japanese, German, Spanish, Chamorro, Filipino, American, Australian and assorted Western Europeans.

On the outlying Pohnpeian island of Pingelap, the majority of the population is colour-blind.

It takes 25 hours by plane from London to the island paradise, with a round-trip ticket costing about £1,200.