When I am dictator I will make life more pleasant for my subjects, starting by introducing rules to protect us from people driving mobility scooters. Particularly in shopping malls.

I was walking out of Boots in intu Uxbridge the other day, just about to trot along the top tier, when two weapons of mass destruction came hurtling in my direction.

Travelling side by side, taking up all the space, their ‘drivers’ were oblivious to the fact that the rest of us were diving for the escalator or flattened against Clintons’ window display.

To help protect us all from serious injury, or at least extreme annoyance, I will introduce a compulsory course for anyone buying or hiring a scooter.

After an exam – including a driving test – there will be a formal occasion, like a citizenship ceremony, where they will solemnly promise to travel in single file, concentrate on where they are going and generally consider fellow residents.

I may, in my parallel universe, require cyclists to conform to these rules too. It will hopefully stop those who would otherwise pedal through red lights or race along pavements.

All these rules already apply to us car drivers and it’s time everyone else joined the club.

I will also ban any existing rules about who is supposed to open doors for whom. Man for woman? Woman for man?

Let’s stop squabbling and just do it. It’s kind, it’s polite. How can it be demeaning?

I am only offended when someone smashes a door in my face. Schools would be timetabled to practise this old-fashioned skill and OFSOD (Office for Standards in Opening Doors) will regularly inspect and report back to the chief inspector.

Me.

I am often asked for updates on previous Bm@ils: most recently readers have been enquiring about the newest additions to our family.

Well, I’m pleased to report that the new kitchen is working well. We’ve even mastered climbing on to high stools and getting through breakfast without keeling over.

Our palm tree survived the rain-lashing, storm-filled winter and is still standing as firm as a good old indigenous oak. Who said migrants can’t bed in successfully?

Email me! bmailbarbara@gmail.com

For Bm@ils past, go to http://www.getwestlondon.co.uk/authors/barbara-fisher/