SCOTT BALCONY is co-owner of Balcony Shirts in Windsor Street, Uxbridge and online at www.balconyshirts.co.uk. He tweets as @balconyshirts and writes this exclusive new blog for www.getwestlondon.co.uk

The Hillingdonopoly Awards for 2014

Let’s not pull any punches here; us Uxbridge folk love a good ding-dong. And shopkeeping gives me a unique insight into what REALLY matters to local people.

Is it the High Speed 2 rail retwork and the scant disregard for local folk and our environment? No.

Is it the third runway at Heathrow and the decimation of historic Sipson? No.

Is it the power-crazed forces selling our ancient woodland for fracking and for short-term gain? Ooooooh, no.

No, it’s not.

It’s whether Hayes or West Drayton would be Old Kent Road on the Monopoly board. Would The Drive in Ickenham be Mayfair? Or does Denham Village just creep into that coveted number one spot?

Well, worry no more, good people of the UB postcode, for I have painstakingly, AND SCIENTIFICALLY*, decided WHICH PLACES ARE BETTER THAN OTHER PLACES.

That’s right. Tell your friends.

* SCIENTIFICALLY means I have gone onto the internet and briefly looked at house prices. I have also rung friends and asked questions such as: “What’s worse, Harefield or Cowley?” and “If you had a million quid, would you buy a house in Denham or Ickenham?”.

No stone has been left unturned in my search for the truth.

Here are the definitive findings; read them and weep:

 

PURPLE. Denham: Village Road, Cheapside Lane

GREEN. Ickenham: The Drive, The Avenue, Warren Road

YELLOW: Uxbridge: Belmont Road, Park Road, Harefield Road

RED. Hillingdon: Windsor Avenue, Long Lane, Ryefield Avenue

ORANGE. Harefield: Harvil Road, Park Lane, Breakspear Road North

PINK: Cowley: Cowley Road, Chiltern View Road, Peachey Lane

BLUE: West Drayton: Station Road, Cherry Lane, Horton Road

BROWN: Hayes: Dawley Road, Coldhabour Lane

STATIONS: Uxbridge, Hillingdon, Ickenham, Denham

ELECTRIC COMPANY: Hayes FM

WATERWORKS: RAF bunker

INCOME TAX: £200, Hillingdon Civic Centre

SUPER TAX: £100, Uxbridge Magistrates Court

GO TO JAIL: [Insert name of your least favourite pub here]

FREE PARKING: Curly Whirly car park

If you disagree with any of the findings of my SCIENTIFIC survey, please comment below and I will endeavour to change it for the HILLINGDOPOLY AWARDS 2015.

He's got form: more from Scott here