It's been an exciting few weeks at my Comedy Club. At a time of global economic meltdown, when most things are shrinking and shriveling up, (speak for yourself - Ed) Downstairs at the Drayton is expanding.
The club returned after the summer break and went weekly, where before it had only been fortnightly. Which, if you didn't know about it at all, means you have been missing out on even more fun than you would otherwise have missed out on.
Never mind, things can only get worse. The only thing to do is come to the comedy club and laugh at the absurdity and utter futility of human existence. Ha ha!
And while we're at it, let's have fun knocking down that ghastly new building they've just put up next to the pub. It looks like a prison. Off with the architect's head!
Anyway, as you may have heard, opening the new season at the club, was the one-and-only Mr Harry Hill.
His imminent arrival in town triggered what in Ealing passes for hysteria as the club received several phone calls. Ealing had seen nothing like it since the last time someone rang up.
Well, I'm sure you read the Gazette review of a night that will go down in history, but you have no idea how close it came to being a total disaster.
You see, in all the excitement, I managed to get myself locked inside an upstairs room with no door handle on it. As soon as I got in there, the door just slammed shut behind me, Indiana Jones style.
My mobile was downstairs in my bag and all the old louvre windows were either locked or jammed.
Finally I managed to prize open a window and shout at passers by in the street. But none of them spoke English, and I didn't have my Romanian phrase book on me.
I was finally rescued when one of the staff just happened to be passing by and heard my anguished cries. Bounding down the stairs, I then rushed on stage, got the night going and brought on the first act.
But where was Harry Hill? Nowhere to be seen.
Fortunately, a friend of mine who has a bald head was there. He once did some stand up at a party. The audience was pretty drunk by this time and he agreed to go on and stall for time. I don't think anyone noticed...
* The next show Downstairs at the Drayton is tonight, (Friday), starring the award winning Simon Brodkin and Frank Sanazi and the Iraq Pack. Tickets £9 on the door. Info: 07853 664 877.