THE only thing guaranteed to keep foxes away is dogs barking.
However, dogs' barking is viewed as a public nuisance by the politically correct council and your neighbours who are of a sensitive disposition with which they rule the world with a rod of iron - in this instance kindly provided by the local council by virtue of the Environmental Protection Act.
This whole area of statute law tries to undermine the basic tenets of the Magna Carta and the Bill of Rights etc and utilises Admiralty Court law which governs 12 miles offshore.
There are various trapping techniques which urban foxes got the hang of evading several generations ago and are now ineffective but the League Against Cruel Sports still heartily recommends them.
Unless you have extensive gardens or co-operation with all of your neighbours then shooting foxes, even with sound-moderated rifles, is out, although firearms certificate-rated air rifles are a possibility.
Unfortunately the Metropolitan Police are not au fait with Defra ordinances which permit the killing of even pigeons, let alone foxes, and should you tell the station sergeant about the projected mission it will not get passed on to the next shift.
Instead an hysterical member of the public will phone the police and claim there is a madman loose with a gun.
This will bring CO19 out and before you can say 'table leg', they will drill you full of holes through which your life's blood will ebb away.
The answer is of course simple - closed dustbins.
Why black plastic bags ever came into the equation is a mystery since black plastic itself constitutes a pollution hazard of enormous proportions.
You may get through to the Hammersmith and Fulham's environmental protection department call centre but you will not get beyond this redoubt.
You could try your local councillor's surgery if it can be found but they seem to have gone sub judice as well.
So forget local democracy - it does not work; anyway the council is no longer a public institution, instead it is a public limited company.
Finally, short of slitting your throat in despair at 3am, can I suggest ear plugs.
BOZIDAR ZABAVNIK Hadyn Park Road