We don't have room for babies in the Hounslow Chronicle office. Whimper about a paper cut or trip over a sleeping sub editor and you can expect no sympathy.

Indeed, when sports editor Paul Warburton arrived here on press day with the best excuse so far for being late, there was no avoiding the deadlines. He'd been knocked off his bike by a lorry, remounted the mangled thing and fell in the door of the Staines Road office with blood pouring from his wounds. We were then treated to the spectacle of the grumbling editor crouched by his side as she bandaged Paul's knees. He, meanwhile, carried on typing some no doubt very important story for the back page of our sister paper, the Fulham Chronicle. No, we don't have pictures.

What has this to do with Clive, you ask. The answer is favouritism. Clive sits outside the door, so laden with tomatoes that even seasoned growers are gobsmacked by the sheer number of fruit.

As a result, the plant can barely hold up its branches, even with supportive twine. One of two have started to snap or develop some sort of tomato stress fracture. We've seen the editor out there with the first aid box, lovingly and gently applying sticking plasters to Clive's weak spots. The thing's a mutant... and still getting all the fuss.