It's mid February and that can only mean one thing... it's time to dig your sick-bags out of the cupboard and prepare for the onslaught of endless, inescapable love, because it's Valentine's Day.
I'm not just saying this because I'm a man with limited resources at the moment. I'm saying it because we are all being sold a complete con. How can the card shops justify upwards of a fiver for a card? How come I see the same things in the 99p shop as I do in the big chains for over a tenner? And why, oh why, do we need a special day to use the 'L word'?
I blame the card shops entirely for this nausea-fest. They put unrealistic pressure on everyone, actually mostly men, to show how much they love their other half by buying the most ridiculously useless gifts and, of course, according to them the more you spend the more in love you are.
You only have to look at the array of pointless gifts on offer - what are you going to do with a 'horny devil'? And more to the point, what relation does a devil have to a SAINTS day? Isn't that blasphemy or something?
Worse still are the Cupid emblazoned items - what a ridiculous symbol of falling in love. Why do we persist with a small man with fairy wings shooting arrows into people? This is the 21st Century, surely a more appropriate symbol would be a barman holding a Bacardi Breezer and an apple sour?
Personally I won't be spending a fortune, which I have already warned the missus about, instead opting to spend a bit of time cooking a meal or something and enjoying each other's company.
Rest assured I won't be breaking out the Best of Lionel Richie and blowing up 300 'I love you' balloons, because, unlike a lot of Valentine's obsessives I have a mental age of above 12, and as such, I know you don't need to fill their senses with the stench of brie to make your partner feel special.
All that's left is me to wish you all a very happy Clinton Cards-desperately-trying-to-fill-the-void-between-Christmas-and-Mother's Day-day. Have fun!